In each case below the real headline is the first one.

Terrorists latest tool is Twitter. Unabomber licks US postage stamps. Anthrax sent in envelopes by mail, random inspection of all messages urged.

H&M shamed over digital models. Sears store windows use identical plastic dummies. Catholic madonnas made from head, hands, and clothes. Copying is evil, especially when easily detected.

Listeriosis victims include provincial health authorities. Maple Leaf Foods apologizes, promises completely thorough new antiseptic procedures – four times. Maple Leaf Foods closes Toronto plant completely. Maple Leaf Foods changes name to Fleur-de-Lis Aliment.

Attawapiskat forced to pay consultant $1300 a day. Normal consultant rate is $200-300K per year: that is, 154-230 days work at the above rate. Natives forced to pay someone to fix their budget when they’re broke, a gift from a caring government.